Nilima Sanchez, 3 months old and pretty in pink, sleeps like an angel in the most comforting place of all: snuggled in the arms of her mother, Priscilla.
McGarci, 31, is a single mother with two teenage children from a previous marriage. With every kiss she plants on Nilima’s forehead she seems grateful for the chance to try parenting again from the start.
“As a new mom, it’s all new,” she explains. “You’re frustrated and you panic… I winged it the first time.”
Fourteen years ago that meant an infant son who fussed and cried.
“I didn’t know how to calm a baby. My son cried for six months – and I was so angry with him.”
McGarci isn’t angry with Nilima. This time she is older — but she is also wiser, thanks in part to a program offered by the Child Abuse Prevention Center.
The center is focused on breaking the cycle: Stop repeating the mistakes of our parents; stop making mistakes of our own.
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Marisol Martinez, 27, and Miguel Cruz, 23, weren’t doing anything bad, but they weren’t quite getting it right.
They are the parents of 4-year-old Theresa. They are the parents, but for a time Theresa was running the show.
“She cried and she kicked if she wanted some toy. I would buy the toy,” Martinez recalls. “If she wanted ice cream, I would buy ice cream.”
She didn’t know how to discipline her daughter, and as a result, she found herself yelling.
Then the couple from Orange began working with a caseworker from the Toddler Home Visitation program of the Child Abuse Prevention Center. Martinez began to understand why Theresa wanted her attention. She learned to put Theresa in time out – and to be consistent in her response.
“I did it and it works. It helped me to be patient with my daughter.”
Cruz adds: “We can be a better parent and she can be a better kid.”
It’s about averting something that hasn’t happened.
If we don’t, children are more likely to grow up with emotional issues and behaviors that put them at risk for drug abuse and adolescent pregnancy.
Hodges notes that more than half of all defendants in the juvenile justice system are likely to have been abused or neglected. The Orange County Child Abuse Registry receives more than 100 calls a day reporting suspected cases of child abuse or maltreatment.
It’s about catching the ball before the next bounce.
•••
How do you see something before it happens?
The same way meteorologists predict a storm — warning signs and perfect conditions make it likely.
Many parents have experienced a meltdown moment they would rather forget. I can recall a particularly horrendous scene in the checkout line at Target.
Parenting mistakes may start with an impatient word or momentary loss of control, but they can escalate to unhealthy or unsafe behaviors. The leading cause of death in child abuse cases is when a baby is shaken violently.
What kind of parent becomes that frustrated by a crying baby?
Parents with no support system, who are isolated by language or culture, and parents who have fewer resources or education are at greater risk. The recession created stress fractures in many family foundations that make loss of control more likely.
Research shows that we do what we know. This is why my mother’s words have come out of my mouth.
An estimated one-third of parents who were abused themselves as children will then abuse their own children. It could be that they simply don’t know any better.
The Child Abuse Prevention Center receives referrals of at-risk families from hospitals and doctors. It runs 14 programs that help more than 4,000 local children and parents in a year. These programs have waiting lists.
Some programs serve families with suspected or confirmed cases of child abuse; others advocate for children who have suffered. Most of the focus, however, is on prevention. Trained professionals, often bilingual in Spanish or Vietnamese, come to the home and teach parents what to do.
The center responds to storm warnings.
“It’s the vicious cycle we’re trying to break,” says Michelle Pauline Hodges, a spokeswoman for the center. “Not everyone was born to be a parent, but we can help them become better parents.”
•••
Caseworker Karina Gonzalez is coaching Nilima’s mother as part of the Infant Home Visitation program.
On this day Gonzalez is teaching McGarci about playing with her baby.
She explains how Nilima should exercise with time on her tummy and what toys are appropriate for her age.
“Playing is how a baby learns.”
Gonzalez suggests it’s time to start showing Nilima books and attending a playgroup so she can see other babies. She leaves a schedule of groups for McGarci to consider.
In a previous session, Gonzalez taught her techniques to calm a crying baby, like swaddling and swaying with her.
“That was amazing,” McGarci recalls. “I told my friend that I learned all this through this program … It’s helped me to be calm and not as much frustrated.”
At the end, just when the session is over, Nili’s eyes begin to flutter open. When she swims into focus they open wide in utter shock.
There’s a roomful of strangers gathered around – all cooing and smiling at her. It’s clear from the look on her face that she wonders why.
The answer is simple: everyone wants to make things better in her sweet little life.
Editor’s Note: An earlier version of this story misidentified Nilima Sanchez as Nilima McGarci.
