The Palace at Playa Grande

There're certain things only the elite used to get, like books, doctors, and fat. Finally hooking up good people like yourself, The Palace at Playa Grande.

Formerly a private getaway in the Dominican Republic for the rich y famous, The Palace's a three-story, casbah-styled luxury villa now redone and open to the public, featuring fancy-people amenities, underwater activities, and golfing on a coastline-winding course designed by world-renowned Robert Trent Jones Sr., who actually cried when tapped as architect, but only because he wanted to be Morpheus. The no longer class-/wealth-restricted fun includes umbrella-topped libations delivered to you all day long as an executive private chef prepares three meals a day precisely to your liking; you can also take advantage of the private-access beach (exceedingly rare for the DR), or hop a 50-foot boat to Samana Bay to watch whales flippering, tail lobbing, breaching, and possibly even singing their courting song, presumably My Hump(back)s. You can also partake in standard-er activities like watersports (snorkeling, scuba diving, deep sea barracuda fishing...), and land action like mountain biking, zip lining, equestrian, and a four-hour ATV excursion through local farms, villages, and mountains, because eventually, everyone gets tired of enraging the proletariat by zooming through their villages and farms.

There's even a badass all-inclusive hookup for the grand opening, $300 off rack plus ground transport from the airport, though if you're feeling really baller, charter a chopper to The Palace's helipad -- do so, and the only thing standing between you and a truly elite life is a name like Jan-Michael Vincent.